Sé que puedo ser todo lo que he sido y mucho más...pero para qué?:.

Durante meses (en realidad ya parecen años) he mantenido este dilema interno sobre si debo terminar o no el doctorado. (Guardando toda proporción) es como el dilema que enfrenta Walter White en Breaking Bad, que durante la mayor parte de la serie argumenta que todo lo que hace es por su familia (o por algo que lo trascienda), pero que en un momento de inmensa honestidad admite que lo hace sólo por él, por su gran ego!.

Y la verdad es que es así. Ya pronto serán 10 años de mi graduación de licenciatura, y por lo menos de los compañeros con los que mantengo algún (mínimo) contacto, ninguno de ellos está cerca de terminar un doctorado. Mi principal argumento es que sería el primero de ellos en obtener ese grado...ego total!!:.

Lo que también me molesta, porque la motivación no es que pueda o no hacerlo, es que quiera hacerlo...

Así estaba pensando hasta que hace un par de semanas, dos de mis asesores se pusieron también las pilas y parecen realmente interesados por que acabemos este ciclo.  Un segundo aire?, espero que sí =).

De cualquier forma, también he estado cocinando algunos proyectos alternativos (algo que ver con cripto-monedas). Espero pronto tener algo que mostrar (tanto de la tesis como de los proyectos alternativos) y poder decir al mundo: soy King Crimson, Elton John y Supertramp!:.

Me he quedado atrás,
en mi zona de seguridad.
Pude investigar,
decidí quedarme en el sofá.

And I am not frightened of dying:.

If you can hear this whispering you are dying.


Why should I be frightened of dying? 
There's no reason for it you've gotta go sometime.

I love your wall:.

In about a week I'll be back home =):.

I was going to write this big essay about how in the last weeks I found my motivation to finish my thesis by the end of this year, so I can come back to France in a few months to defend it and give the world my two cents about scalable data stores...but then I realised that the world probably doesn't even care anyway =):.

Then I thought about writing about what I'm going to do once I'm back in my natural environment, and how I'm not going to sell to big companies, and instead, stay true to real software engineering and entrepreneurship...but then again, the future is not clear, and I might end up compromising a little bit.

Finally, I accepted that none of that is really important, the key thing is that I'll be back home, finally surrounded by those who truly matter =):.

Fiddly-digits, itchy-britches, 
I love you all...

I don't mind:.

Yesterday I decided to share a post that generated controversy and also many support comments, and I think it's only fair to make some remarks about what I said last night.

First of all, I can't but respect all those who truly maintain that search for knowledge and fulfilment in the academic world...but to be honest, I couldn't find many like you in my five years journey, and if I had, maybe I would be writing something else.

Anyway, if it wasn't for these influences, I could've just simply settled for a job 10 years ago, didn't raise any questions, and just kept going on a dull job to earn good money, but I'm not like that. If there's anything I've learned from these masters, is that you have to keep challenging yourself to achieve better results, even if that means starting from zero from time to time...

I know it's not an easy thing to do, and I would even challenge anyone who reads this blog to consider if they'd be willing to do that themselves today. I'm afraid I already know the answer...

Why should I be frightened (of dying)?, 
there's no reason for it, 
you've gotta go sometime.

I wish you would see what I see:.

About five years ago I decided to start all over again because I didn't like the way my life was going, and five years later I seem to face a similar challenge. Let me explain...

I went back to the academic world because the software industry didn't seem to have the right answers for what software development should be (from my perspective) and I thought I could contribute more from the theoretical point of view than from the trenches...

Five years later, I can assure you that the researchers/academics are as lost as the practitioners...

Sure, I've contributed some ideas that might seem interesting for some folks, I've given academic workshop/conference/summer school talks, but all in all, I can tell you that academics are orders of magnitude behind the real software engineering practice...

I've seen colleagues graduate just to have their PhD degrees, others just to call themselves doctors and sell to big companies, and worst, others just accept their destiny and start teaching basic programming courses...

Although my motivation is really low (and almost nobody but my family cares whether I finish my thesis or not), I'm going to try and finish my work this year:.

Were you ever alive?.
I wish I could see what you see.

Sólo tengo una sonrisa y espero una de vuelta:.

I don't have all the answers (nor I expect to ever have them!) for living in peace as a couple, but if there's anything I'm certain of, is that only you can make you happy, and that you can't expect your significant other to solve those insecurities that have (probably?) haunt you since the beginnings of time....

I'm a believer, in the sense that you can only truly share your thoughts with someone who isn't always on the lookout for life-changing experiences from external stimuli. In brief, (even if it sounds cruel) I'm not gonna try to fix you, but only because I think you're better than that (and if you're not, well...that's OK =)).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't care about titles, descriptions or anything else; I only care about you (right now) and what I feel when I look in your eyes. I cannot promise I'll feel this way forever, but I'd like to ask you...does it even matter?:.

Yo confío en el destino y en la marejada,
yo no creo en la iglesia,
pero creo en tu mirada.

Computer love:.

If there's any question worth asking ourselves is: what's the meaning of life?, and I might also add: is what I'm doing now helping me get where I want?. Sadly, there's no way of knowing for sure =):.

I've been thinking about this because someone important to me casually asked about the things that make me happy, and, as usual, I answered that nothing but freedom will ever make me happy...and though that's true, I'd like to delve on this topic a little bit more.

I've previously experienced moments when I've transcended myself, I've also experienced pleasure with somebody else...heck, I've also experienced joy and happiness while killing some other guys!. But as someone wiser might say, only you can make you happy and to do that, you must learn to trust yourself!!:.

This might seem obvious to you, but the sad truth is that most of the people I know (and even myself) don't always live up to those goals. Maybe the advice shouldn't come from someone wiser, maybe we need to hear it from someone just as slob as us...Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody is gonna die. Come watch tv...

I don't know what to do,
I need a rendez-vous.