Hace años escribía una entrada en mi blog en la que comentaba justo lo que siento ahora, que debo cerrar una etapa en mi vida (una etapa que define lo que he sido por bastante tiempo), con la esperanza de que lo que está por venir me acercará más a lo que debo (o siempre he estado destinado a) ser.
No lo sé, tal vez sea que estoy acostumbrado a pensar en ciclos (o que al final no importa si obtienes lo que esperabas o no), pero quisiera cerrar esta entrada con las mismas palabras que utilicé hace años:
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's in the way
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can try, I can try, I can try...
No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can wait, I can wait, I can wait...
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know.
I feel the chaos around me, a thing I don't try to deny, I'd better learn to accept that there's a part of my life that will go away.
Durante meses (en realidad ya parecen años) he mantenido este dilema interno sobre si debo terminar o no el doctorado. (Guardando toda proporción) es como el dilema que enfrenta Walter White en Breaking Bad, que durante la mayor parte de la serie argumenta que todo lo que hace es por su familia (o por algo que lo trascienda), pero que en un momento de inmensa honestidad admite que lo hace sólo por él, por su gran ego!.
Y la verdad es que es así. Ya pronto serán 10 años de mi graduación de licenciatura, y por lo menos de los compañeros con los que mantengo algún (mínimo) contacto, ninguno de ellos está cerca de terminar un doctorado. Mi principal argumento es que sería el primero de ellos en obtener ese grado...ego total!!:.
Lo que también me molesta, porque la motivación no es que pueda o no hacerlo, es que quiera hacerlo...
Así estaba pensando hasta que hace un par de semanas, dos de mis asesores se pusieron también las pilas y parecen realmente interesados por que acabemos este ciclo. Un segundo aire?, espero que sí =).
De cualquier forma, también he estado cocinando algunos proyectos alternativos (algo que ver con cripto-monedas). Espero pronto tener algo que mostrar (tanto de la tesis como de los proyectos alternativos) y poder decir al mundo: soy King Crimson, Elton John y Supertramp!:.
Me he quedado atrás, en mi zona de seguridad. Pude investigar, decidí quedarme en el sofá.
I was going to write this big essay about how in the last weeks I found my motivation to finish my thesis by the end of this year, so I can come back to France in a few months to defend it and give the world my two cents about scalable data stores...but then I realised that the world probably doesn't even care anyway =):.
Then I thought about writing about what I'm going to do once I'm back in my natural environment, and how I'm not going to sell to big companies, and instead, stay true to real software engineering and entrepreneurship...but then again, the future is not clear, and I might end up compromising a little bit.
Finally, I accepted that none of that is really important, the key thing is that I'll be back home, finally surrounded by those who truly matter =):.
Yesterday I decided to share a post that generated controversy and also many support comments, and I think it's only fair to make some remarks about what I said last night.
First of all, I can't but respect all those who trulymaintain that search for knowledge and fulfilment in the academic world...but to be honest, I couldn't find many like you in my five years journey, and if I had, maybe I would be writing something else.
Anyway, if it wasn't fortheseinfluences, I could've just simply settled for a job 10 years ago, didn't raise any questions, and just kept going on a dull job to earn good money, but I'm not like that. If there's anything I've learned from thesemasters, is that you have to keep challenging yourself to achieve better results, even if that means starting from zero from time to time...
I know it's not an easy thing to do, and I would even challenge anyone who reads this blog to consider if they'd be willing to do that themselves today. I'm afraid I already know the answer...
Why should I be frightened (of dying)?, there's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime.
About five years ago I decided to start all over again because I didn't like the way my life was going, and five years later I seem to face a similar challenge. Let me explain...
I went back to the academic world because the software industry didn't seem to have the right answers for what software development should be (from my perspective) and I thought I could contribute more from the theoretical point of view than from the trenches...
Five years later, I can assure you that the researchers/academics are as lost as the practitioners...
Sure, I've contributed some ideas that might seem interesting for some folks, I've given academic workshop/conference/summer school talks, but all in all, I can tell you that academics are orders of magnitude behind the real software engineering practice...
I've seen colleagues graduate just to have their PhD degrees, others just to call themselves doctors and sell to big companies, and worst, others just accept their destiny and start teaching basic programming courses...
Although my motivation is really low (and almost nobody but my family cares whether I finish my thesis or not), I'm going to try and finish my work this year:.
Were you ever alive?. I wish I could see what you see.
